Love's Truest Test
by The Durdens Wrath
Summary: Xander is having relationship problems with Cordelia. And he comes to a point in his life where he must distinguish between true love and passing flirtations. -- This story takes place before BBB, and after that is AU.
1. Chapter One

As Cordelia walked into the library, she was shocked by the utter silence that assaulted her. The only sound that Cordelia could hear, aside from her own breathing, was the occasional page turning in what must have been one of Giles's musty old books. But whoever was turning the pages was well hidden behind an enormous stack of books. Well, the only person in all of Sunnydale who could amass such a pile was the all high bookworm himself, Giles.  
  
"So Giles, what little tidbit of information have you uncovered now?" Cordelia said as she walked towards the library table. "How's the Hellmouth planning on inconveniencing me this... Oh, Xander. What are YOU doing here?"  
  
"It's called reading Cordy. But these books don't rhyme or have little pop- up pictures in them. This is grown-up reading, with luck and lots of practice you too might be able to open one of these up and exclaim 'Hooked on Phonics Worked for ME!'"  
  
"Could you get any lamer? I was just wondering why YOU were doing the research and not the lead member of the men-in-tweed." She looked around again at the desolate library. "And where is everyone else for that matter?"  
  
Xander sighed, "Sadly enough it seems like they all have a better life than I do. Buffy is on patrol tonight performing her sacred duty and all that jazz. Willow and Oz are out doing whatever it is they do together. And worst of all, Giles is on a date." With this news Cordelia's mouth dropped open. "So that leaves me here to do research for the next fun-filled adventure on the Hellmouth."  
  
Cordelia stood there in obvious shock. "Back up a second. Did you say Giles had a date? Our Giles? Who would go out with him? I mean he dresses worse than even you!"  
  
Xander frowned at Cordelia and replied, "Yes I said Giles had a date. And, again yes I'm talking about our resident pooper of all parties. And apparently Ms. Calendar cares enough about Giles to accept him for who he is, no matter what anyone else thinks. If I could only be so lucky to get the same kind of consideration from you!"  
  
Cordelia gave a nasty glare at Xander. "You know good and well why we don't go out in public! Being seen with you in public is bad enough, but if I'm seen with you in a dating situation then my reputation will be trashed. I have a certain standard to live up to and frankly going public with you falls well below that standard."  
  
Xander's eyes suddenly clouded over with such hatred and anger that Cordelia visibly flinched under their scrutiny. Xander stood up and kicked his chair backwards. "Is that all you care about? Your damn popularity and standards? You can keep your standards and you can shove your popularity, cause you know what? I can look ten years down the line and you know what I see? A lonely woman who either lost or never had the ability to love. But she still has the memories of her popularity, and she's still stubbornly hanging on to her lofty standards. Well, I hope that they are enough when the darkness settles in, and the demons of loves that could have been but never were come knocking at the door. Because that's all you'll have to fight the darkness since you have a cold, dead, empty space where a heart should be. Good luck to you Cordelia, you're in for a lonely loveless life."  
  
With that said, Xander slammed the book shut, sending clouds of dust into the air. "Giles can do his own damn studying, that's what he gets for having a life."  
  
While Xander was verbally slashing Cordelia her knees began to feel weak. Xander was so enraged that he didn't see her reach a shaky hand down to the table to keep herself from falling to the floor. As Xander was walking out of the swinging library doors, Cordelia was following his retreating form with watering eyes. Xander never heard Cordelia's heart break as she watched the door swing close on both the library and her relationship with Xander. Once she finally realized that Xander wasn't coming back, Cordelia slumped to the ground and began to cry. 


	2. Chapter Two

As Xander walked out of the library, he unconsciously clenched and unclenched his fists. As if steered by autopilot, Xander stalked in a blind rage through the empty corridors of Sunnydale High School. It wasn't until the he felt the crisp night air against his skin that he took any notice of where he was or what he was doing.  
  
Xander began pacing around aimlessly in the courtyard of the high school as he weighed the options that were immediately available to him. "Let's see, I could go home, but all that's waiting for me there is an empty house, an empty fridge, and hours of country music. Right now, I've got all the pain I can handle, but I'm sure I'll get around to that country music sooner or later." Probably sooner. Xander began to voice his other options. "Man, I really need someone to talk to about this. God knows I can't go to Willow, I really doubt that she wants to hear anything from me regarding my quasi-relationship with Cordelia." Xander began to ruefully chuckle at himself with that one. Relationship, good one Xander. Believing that you actually had one, or even a chance for one with Cordelia is what got you into this mess in the first place. "Besides, Willow has Oz, and after all I've put her through emotionally, however unintentionally, she deserves to have some worry-free And Xander free. happiness."  
  
Xander ceased pacing and plopped himself down on one of the stone benches, the coolness of the granite seeping into Xander as he settled in to continue talking to himself. "Buffy for sure is out. Besides her never ending gig as the Chosen One, she's got relationship problems that make mine look like the Brady Bunch in comparison. I mean, not only is she in love with a Vampire, but Dead-Boy has to go and turn evil on her." Xander looked up at the stars and sighed. "You know, we've got a lot in common Buffy and I. Not only do we have people we were involved with turn on us and rip out our hearts, but we can't help but still care about them even while they're gripping our still-beating heart in their hands. And even when they've tossed our hearts aside like yesterday's rubbish, we're scrambling to try and give our hearts back to them." Now that I think about it, we owe each other some SERIOUS I-told-you-so's. Xander sighed again. "Nope, the last thing she needs is to have a Xander-shaped pity party heaped on top of her own troubles."  
  
Xander looked down at the ground. "But, eliminating those two from the Xander support hot-line leaves me in a serious shortage of friends." Xander ruefully grinned. Shortage? That's as much of an understatement as saying the Sahara Desert is dry. "You know what the saddest thing is? That I only have two friends that I can count on." Admittedly, I thought I had three before tonight... more fool me. "There's only really one person that could understand what I'm going through right now, and I don't think he could do anything but listen." Waitaminute! Isn't that what I said I needed? Xander my boy, sometimes you are denser than a wall of lead.  
  
Xander got up from the stone bench and turned his gaze in the direction of his house. "If I'm going to go there tonight, I'm going to need more protection than this pocket-sized cross I carry around with me." With a final longing look towards the light coming from one of the library windows, Xander set off for home. 


	3. Chapter Three

Xander was so focused on making it home and getting re-equipped, that he was completely oblivious to the danger that was stalking him from behind. Following from the overgrowth of bushes and trees at the side of the sidewalk were seven vampires sent by Angelus to bring Xander back to him, dead or alive. They were waiting to strike until Xander passed under one of the burned out streetlights, where under the cover of almost total darkness, they might avoid the notice of the accursed Slayer. The vampires murmured to themselves preparing to strike at the lone Slayerette.  
  
Just as the got close enough to Xander to strike, they felt a presence directly behind them. All of the vampires rapidly turned around in surprise, which was magnified tenfold when they saw what it was that had alerted them in the first place. What they now faced instead of a boy was a very large beast that reeked of pure evil and malevolence. This new creature, previously unknown to the vampires, stood at over seven feet tall. This creature had a brown scaly carapace, long spikes extending from its spinal column from its neck down to its long tail. At the end of the beast's feet and hands were razor sharp talons. Its face extended from its muscular neck into a snout-like structure. Two long horns grew from its forehead forward. As if the creature wasn't frightening enough already, its mouth formed an underbite with hundreds of long sharp teeth. The vampires could see muscles rippling beneath the scaly hide with every breath that the great beast took.  
  
Soon enough, the creature spoke in a deep rumbling voice. "I am Abishai, Herald of Baatezu the Devourer. The one you are hunting, the human named Xander Harris, is the Chosen One. He will pave the way for Baatezu to return to this plane of existence. Therefore, his life is under my protection, and all attempts on his life are subject to retribution by me." Abishai stared at the vampires with his pupilless gray eyes, and crossed his strong arms over his chest as if daring the vampires to oppose him.  
  
He was not disappointed. One of the newly made vampires stepped forward to speak. "I don't know who you are, or who your buddy Betty Crocker is either. And you know what? I don't care! We've been sent to capture this kid dead or alive. And since it's been awhile since my last meal, it'll probably be dead."  
  
With this pronouncement, Abishai shifted into an obvious posture of aggression. "You had best measure your words carefully whelp. I was pacifying parts of this world before mankind even walked th e Earth. I would return to your lair now before you discover a fate worse than undeath."  
  
The young vampire again spoke for the group of seven. "Look pal, there only seems to be one of you, and there are seven of us. Basic numerical advantage. Now if you'll excuse us, we have a feeding to attend to."  
  
As the young vampire turned to leave, Abishai reached out with surprising agility and tore him in half. Before the vampire's two halves could even touch the ground, they crumbled into dust. The other six vampires charged Abishai hoping that they would not share the same fate as the other vampire.  
  
They hoped in vain. 


	4. Chapter Four

Angelus was pacing a hole in the floor waiting for the seven vampires to return to the lair with Xander. "Where the hell are they? I send seven vampires out to retrieve a mere boy, and I'll bet my soul that they found some way to botch that simple job! I didn't even make them bring him back alive!"  
  
"Well, Angelus old boy it's not much of a bet if you're wagering something you don't even have. It's really poor form. And would it trouble you too much to stop that bloody pacing? I'm getting seasick over here!"  
  
Angelus whirled around in mid-step glaring at Spike with his game face on. "Well Spike I would, but you see..." Angelus made a gesture with both his arms spread wide. "I'm having to do the pacing for two. Seeing that you've become the only vampire to hear the phrase 'Hell on Wheels' and take it literally." Having said this, his mouth turned upwards into a cruel grin.  
  
Drusilla was standing next to Spike mindlessly running her hand through his blond hair. Spike looked up at Drucilla and noticed her glazed eyes that were seemingly staring into a faraway place. The absent cock of her head slightly alarmed Spike. "Pet, what's wrong?"  
  
Drusilla looked down at Spike and answered him in a dreamy voice. "Spike... All my dollies don't want to play anymore. They say that they're scared."  
  
"What are they scared of pet? Is it that damn accursed Slayer again? The same Slayer that somehow Angelus always fails to kill? Is that what your dollies are scared of?"  
  
Drusilla began to look at her Tarot cards, and as she flipped over the last one, she looked absolutely horrified. "Spike... Evil is coming."  
  
"Well, of course evil is coming. We are on the Hellmouth. And there'd be a whole lot more evil coming if the Cowardly Lion over here would actually follow through and kill the Slayer!"  
  
"No, Spike... Miss Edith says that she is afraid of this evil. And she said that we should be afraid too..."  
  
Angelus walked over to Drusilla and caressed her cheek with his hand. "Dru, don't be ridiculous. We're vampires, what evil should we be afraid of? Nothing short of the arrival of one of the Old Ones should be cataclysmic enough to cause any sense of alarm. In fact..."  
  
Angelus never got to finish, because at that very moment, the room was filled with a loud rumbling. As the vampiric threesome turned to face the source of the noise, they saw the air itself begin to shimmer and shake. Then suddenly, the air collapsed up on itself and a large hole appeared in the corner of the room. On the other side of the hole, the threesome could see a dark shadow lit by flames somewhere further in the background. As the shadow walked through the hole and appeared on the other side, the vampires felt a large wave of hot air overwash them. As soon as he was completely on this side of the hole, the creature tossed a bundle at the feet of the gathered vampires.  
  
Before the threesome could say anything, the great creature began to speak. "I am Abishai, Herald of Baatezu the Devourer. And this I believe, belongs to you."  
  
Still stunned by the sudden appearance of Abishai, Angelus bent down and unwrapped the bundle that the demon had tossed at them earlier. Once Angelus had unwrapped it f ully, he jumped back in terror. "That's... That's Adam Lockhart! He was one of the seven we sent out to fetch that boy! What in the name of all that's unholy, did you do to him?" Angelus had seen and done many horrible things, but the sight of a vampire that had all of its limbs violently torn from his body was enough to make even him slightly tremble. Aside from the ragged flesh where his limbs had been torn off, Lockhart had several deep gashes criss-crossing his torso apparently from Abishai's talons and a deep gaping maw was opened in his abdomen from front to back. His mouth seemed fixed permanently open in a silent scream of agony. And for the rest of his miserable days, the last image that Lockhart would ever see was Abishai reaching for his eyes. All that remained were empty sockets filled with torn muscles and nerves.  
  
Spike nudged the body with his wheelchair, and was shocked when the broken vampire moaned in pain. "Bloody Hell! You really worked the poor blighter over, didn't you?" Now once again conscious, the limbless vampire began to writhe in agony. Unfortunately for the vampire, Abishai had ripped out his tongue, so he was unable to voice his pains. Because of his vampirism, Lockhart would never perish from these ghastly wounds. In fact, he would spend the rest of his days in the dark unable to do anything, even scream.  
  
"This ignorant fool remains alive as an example to you. He alone was spared the fate of the other six sent to capture the Chosen One."  
  
Angelus began to laugh aloud. "You mean these seven were after the Slayer? I sent them to fetch Xander Harris for me, not Buffy. I wasn't after her, well not directly. As you see, this was all a big misunderstanding."  
  
Abishai held up his taloned hand to halt further comment from Angelus. "It is because you sent them after the one named Xander Harris that they are no more. He is the Chosen One. The one human being chosen to implement the return of Baatezu the Devourer. There is only one Chosen One for every five thousand years, and Xander Harris is he. Therefore, any action taken to harm or otherwise deter the Chosen One from bringing about the return of Baatezu will be met will terrible force. I will now take my leave of you and return to my Master. But be assured that I will be watching." Abishai paused to allow for any foolish bravado to rear its head among the gathering of the undead. Seeing none, he turned around and stepped back through the portal.  
  
Once the portal was closed, and the room again back to normal, Angelus spoke. "You remember what I was saying earlier about not worrying?" Drusilla and Spike nodded their heads. "Well, I think it's time to worry now." 


	5. Chapter Five

Xander arrived at his house without incident, which in Sunnydale is quite an unusual happenstance indeed. Xander unlocked the thick wooden door and hurriedly stepped inside, just in case those unseen baddies out there left him unmolested just to get at him in his house. He closed the heavy oaken door, and began to turn the two thick deadbolts locking the door into place.  
  
Once satisfied that he was securely in his home, Xander called out to his mom and dad to tell them he was home, but as always only silence replied to his calls. "You know, just once I'd like them to be home when my world comes crashing down around me. But you know the next time they put me ahead of their booze and careers, it'd be the first time."  
  
Xander walked into his kitchen to see if he could find his customary note from his parents on the fridge. Sure enough, posted to the fridge, with a smiley face magnet that Willow had given him, was a note with a hundred- dollar bill underneath.  
  
The note read: "Xander- Your father and I have to go to a conference for the next week or so. We left some money for food and going out with your friends. If you need us you can call one of our offices and they'll get in touch with us for you. But, unless it's a real emergency, I'm sure you could call the Rosenbergs and they would take care of you. Behave yourself, but have a good time. - Love, Mom & Dad."  
  
"Great, not only do they NOT tell me where they are staying, they tell me to call Willow's parents unless I have a 'real' emergency. Is that what their office is for? To determine whether or not I have an emergency? Somehow I doubt that they were even there when I was born!" Xander took the money and placed it in his billfold. Running his hand through his hair Xander walked up the stairs to his room.  
  
He opened the door to his room, relieved to find that it was in its usual state of disarray. His mom was always promising that if he didn't clean it up then she would do it for hi m, and he'd just have to live with where she put things. Of course, that was just another broken promise made by his parents, one in a long string of them. I remember when Willow described my room as 'A pile for everything and everything in its pile'. Xander pushed a couple of piles of clothes aside in his closet to uncover a padlocked footlocker. Xander dialed Willow's birthday into the padlock and with a click, it opened.  
  
He opened up the footlocker to reveal his array of Slayerette weaponry, and a few additional items that weren't exactly included in the Slayer's Handbook. He took two of those weapons, checked them to ensure that they were in proper working order, and placed them together on the floor. Xander searched inside the footlocker to ensure he had everything... satisfied that he did, he closed the footlocker and replaced the lock. Xander walked over to his unmade bed and placed his weapons on top. Then he began to undress, tossing each item of clothing on a different pile. Xander hunted around for a few seconds looking for his Army surplus duffel bag. He found the duffel buried under a pile of clean clothes in the far corner of the room. Xander slung the duffel up onto the bed and dumped its contents onto the bed. He pulled on a pair of jet-black commando pants, a black tank top, and his well-worn combat boots. He took the cross from the stack of weapons and placed it around his neck. Xander then picked up his weapons, placed them in the small of his back, and threw on a black tactical jacket after hiding a couple of stakes in the inner pockets.  
  
Xander looked at himself in the mirror, ensuring that nothing was showing that might cause suspicions in the casual viewer. "Of course, there's absolutely NOTHING suspicious about a teenager dressed in black Army gear... roaming the streets... in the middle of the night. Nope, nothing suspicious at all! God help me if the cops have finally decided to see Pat Sajak about buying a clue." Xander ran downstairs and bolted out the door, just barely pausing to close it. Damn! I should've locked the door, but there are worse things in Sunnydale to worry about than petty thieves. Let's hope all I have to worry about tonight is that unlocked door. After a brisk two-mile jog to the cemetery, Xander paused at the entrance to survey the situation. Past the slightly ajar gate hung a light mist, which cast a shroud around the interior of the graveyard. "Just perfect! I can't see squat, and I'm planning on going into the graveyard anyway... witness my stupidity!" Xander ran a reassuring hand over his weapons and cross and entered the foreboding burial grounds. 


	6. Chapter Six

Xander strolled down the main thoroughfare of the cemetery, trying to peer through the thick haze that obscured anything that was more than ten feet in front of his face. Xander cautiously looked left and right, on the lookout for danger. Unknown and unseen to him, other forces at play were also protecting him from danger.  
  
********  
  
The screams and moans of the tortured dead greeted Abishai as he exited the shimmering portal and stepped into the Realm of his banished Master. As the portal began to warp and bend, one of Baatezu's personal servants made a break for it.  
  
Abishai made a move to stop the fleeing servant, but Baatezu held up his terrible hand, instantly halting the movement of his Second-In-Command. Baatezu looked on in amusement as his servant approached the portal. The instant that Baatezu' s servant touched the portal, a red haze enveloped his form. The servant began to scream in pain as every bone in his body was horribly broken. Collapsing to the ground in a shapeless heap, the servant began to moan in terrible agony as his body burned from the inside out.  
  
Baatezu rumbled with laughter as he stood to address the damned. "Let him be a lesson to all who would try to escape! Only Abishai has been especially enchanted with the ability to leave this plane. Now remove the remains of that traitor!" The servants nearest to the portal raced to collect the smoking lump of protomatter that formerly was Baatezu's servant.  
  
As his servants carried out his bidding, Baatezu returned to sit on his throne. Once again he raised his terrible hand and spoke aloud. "Abishai, my faithful servant, come forth. I await your report."  
  
Abishai looked away from the scrambling servants toward his Master's throne. The throne seemed almost alive in the dim light that prevented the denizens of this realm from viewing the full form of Baatezu. The throne was a horrible creation, made of the remains of those who displeased Baatezu at one time or another. Those who displeased Baatezu the most, had their heads adorned on His throne. Many new additions to the throne oozed blood and gore, especially where the newest head was perched. Even one as evil as Abishai shuddered in barely hidden fear each time he viewed the throne.  
  
Abishai, acknowledged Baatezu's order and bowed before the throne of his Master, awaiting his bidding. Baatezu addressed his servant in a voice that made the earth tremble, "Abishai, the time of my return is nigh upon us. Is all in preparation for The Choice?"  
  
Abishai lifted his head and looked his Master in the eyes. "Yes Master, the Two have been chosen. All that remains in our preparations for your triumphant return to Earth is the coming of the Dark Moon."  
  
Baatezu laughed evilly, "Excellent. I shall await your return at the appointed time with the Two. Now go! Return to Earth and resume your protection of the Chosen One. Nothing must prevent my return to the realm of humanity!"  
  
Abishai rose from his knees and turned towards the trans-dimensional portal. As he approached the only exit from this realm, Abishai paused to spit on the location where the cowardly servant perished. Having done this in honor of his Master, Abishai stepped through the portal and returned to the mortal plane. 


	7. Chapter Seven

Xander continued to travel deeper and deeper into the cemetery. "Damn this fog! Not only can I not find what I came here for, but there are probably a couple dozen bad guys just laying in wait for someone stupid enough to wonder about in this haze."  
  
After a few more minutes of fruitless wondering, Xander finally reached the newer part of the cemetery. "You know, with the death rate being like it is in good old SunnyHell, we might just have to start stacking the bodies on top of one another." Damn, I'm still talking to myself. This whole situation with Cordy is going to drive me to the brink of insanity.  
  
Finally when Xander realized which section of the cemetery he was in, he quickly reached his goal. Out of reverence for his fallen friend, Xander reached into a pocket of his commando pants, and withdrew a small picture. "Well, Jesse it's been a while hasn't it? I thought I would bring you a picture of the gang. Well, not that you can look at it or anything..." Xander sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "It's not just me, Buffy, and Willow anymore, we've added a couple of new members. I know that Willow comes by here fairly often to talk to you, so I'm sure you already know about her boyfriend Oz. And I'm also fairly sure that she's told you about Ms. Calendar, the computer teacher and techno-pagan. You see, I don't know every thing that she's told you, because Wills and I don't speak that often anymore...Well, not like we used to anyway, and I miss that."  
  
Xander sat down next to the tombstone and leaned his back up against it. "I'll bet you're thinking, 'Xander! I know you're not here to talk about Willow, so spill already!'. But, you see, the problem between me and Wills is really a part of what I came to talk to you about. I came to talk to you about that other member that joined our team, Cordelia. Well, right after the Master rose from his prison, Cordelia just seemed to be spending more and more time with us. And the next thing we knew, she was just another member of the Scooby Gang, although we did have to listen to her bitch when we asked her to do anything. Right about then, everything just got turned upside down."  
  
A few tears began to form in Xander's eyes as he prepared himself to relay the next part of his story. "You see, this new enemy of Buffy's up and decided that he needed her REALLY dead. So he hired three members of this elite assassins guild to kill her. We hadn't heard from Buffy in several hours, so Willow and I got worried. Giles, told me to get Cordelia to drive me over to Buffy's house to see if we could find her. As we usually did, Cordy and I traded a few insults as we walked up to the house."  
  
Xander began to grin as he remembered that day. "I'm only human Jesse, because I couldn't help but notice how beautiful Cordelia looked that day. Hell, Jesse, you know as well as I do how beautiful Cordy looks *every* day. Well, one of those Order of Teraka guys cornered me and Cordelia in Buffy's basement."  
  
Xander sighed and smiled broadly. "Before I go on Jesse I have to tell you that I am sorry for all the times that I made fun of you for being interested in her. Maybe, just like me, you saw something inside of her that was worth fighting for. The reason I say that Jesse is because of what happened between us in the next few seconds. We started to really fight and get into each other's faces, and the next thing we knew, we were kissing. And Jesse, it was the sweetest, most wonderful kiss I had ever experienced up to that point. Her lips were so soft and sweet, when they touched mine, everything else just faded away."  
  
Xander leaned forward and arched his back, stretching his stiff and aching muscles. He began to rub his arms up and down his lower back, groaning as he settled back into place against the granite stone. "You know, that almost wasn't the first time we kissed. There was this thing with Giles's past catching up to him, in a BIG way. As with all things unnatural, it all started with school on a Saturday. Unfortunately, I was such an overachiever that they absolutely required my presence there. Or, it just might have been the sweet D- I was earning. The next thing I knew, class had started, and good old Cordelia sat down right next to me. Now, admittedly, Cordelia is gorgeous to say the least, but never had her very proximity caused my temperature to rise. I thought that the rise in temperature was just a side effect of having Saturday school, but I found out otherwise later that day. We were just entering the library when Buffy yelled for us to stop some guy, and Cordy did just that. By kneeing the guy square in the crotch!" Xander started to laugh in earnest remembering the look on Ethan's face when she kicked him.  
  
"Anyway, a few minutes after that, Cordelia snuggled right into my arms for comfort. God, nothing had ever felt so right in my whole life. She fit so perfectly in my arms, almost as if she had always belonged there. She was just so soft and warm, and as I held her close to me, I knew deep down inside me, that I couldn't settle for just this one time. So, I enjoyed the warmth of her body and our embrace until she slowly let go of me. But, our encounter wasn't finished that day, nosiree. Later that day, Cordy tossed of an insult to me, and I just snapped. I told her to throw down, and we got into each other's faces. Our lips were just inches apart and were getting closer by the second. Even as I was tossing insults her way, all I could think about was how her lips might taste and how soft, full, and red they were...And just as I was about to kiss her, Willow had to jump i-"  
  
Xander's expression became somewhat morose as he prepared to relate to Jesse the recent events in his relationship with Cordelia. "Well Jesse, needless to say, that that wasn't our last kiss. Not by a long shot. We spent the next few weeks stealing kisses together in the school broom closet, and sharing secret moments of passion when we could be alone." A few small tears pooled in the corner of Xander's eyes as one trailed its was down his face. "And therein lies the problem Jesse. Our entire relationship has been kept a secret like National Security depended on it. And don't think it's because I never wanted to take it public, my God I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was dating Cordelia Chase. And not because she was the most popular girl in school, or that she is stunningly beautiful, but for a deeper reason that until recently I was unable to admit to myself. But every time I broached the subject, she quickly and firmly told me absolutely not."  
  
Another few tears began to roll down Xander's cheeks bitterly as he ran his hands up and down his arms, warding off the shivers that these memories evoked in him.  
  
In the midst of his tears and pain, Xander failed to notice Buffy walking towards him, a look of concern written on her face. She was about to announce her presence to Xander when he began to speak again, the tears choking his voice. "She's ashamed of me Jesse. She's afraid that if everyone knows that she's going out with me, she'll become just like me...a loser outcast. And up until tonight, I never really felt like a loser outcast. I mean I knew what everyone else thought about me, it's just that I never felt that way about myself. Tonight was the final straw for me Jesse, I don't have anything left now Jesse. Willow has Oz now, and hates me for dating Cordelia and not realizing that she's always Jonesed for me. Buffy is too involved with her psycho-boyfriend problems to worry about the rest of the Slayerette's problems."  
  
Buffy inhaled a silent breath of air cursing herself for being so self- absorbed that her friends thought she didn't have time for them. But, while Buffy had this moment of introspection, Xander continued on...  
  
"And you know My parents Jesse, when they're not abandoning me to an empty house, they're drinking and yelling at me and each other. The only spark in my life lately was Cordy, I felt like a million bucks when I was with her, like everybody was wrong about me...only to find out she agreed with them." Xander laid his head on his knees and began to quietly sob as he muttered, "Now I'm all alone Jesse...I'm 17 and I'm so alone."  
  
A growling voice caught both him and Buffy unawares. Xander looked up with tear-stained eyes to see four vampires looming over him. "You're not alone anymore now, meat." 


End file.
